Red, Yellow, Blue
by InsertHilariousPenNameHere
Summary: When I die, I find myself face to face with Mewtwo. I have to be reborn? I'm now a Magikarp? And what's with my trainers? What do you mean they're Team Rocket? Oneshot, First person. Change of POV partway through, sorry. T for language and sexual references.


_**Red, Yellow and Blue**_

**Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon.**

Death is, I suppose, never how you expect it to be. I suppose most people would expect a tunnel, possibly with a light at the end, leading to either heaven or hell. Most people would probably expect to go to heaven – no one wants to admit they're evil. I liked to think I was modest enough to admit I hadn't exactly been a 'good boy' – sex was too good to stay completely innocent.

In case you're wondering about whether this was legal, don't worry. I was seventeen when I died – the legal age for sexual activity in Kanto. And yes, I was born in Kanto – Viridian City in fact. I was there when Ash Ketchum walked through the town, both to get all sets of gym badges and to defeat Giovanni, gym leader in Viridian and evil mastermind of Team Rocket. I wondered whether the crime boss considered himself evil when he died.

Anyway, back to death. Specifically, mine. You're probably wondering 'how did this guy die? What is his name? And how come he's so calm?' Let's start with question number one. It was... stupid, how I died. See there's this little creek east of Viridian forest, with a load of 'danger of death' signs around it. To be honest, I should have listened. Me and my friend, Kenny, were psyching ourselves up do the dive into the river below. It wasn't, we thought, too far down, and we both loved diving. We were planning to film it, put on youtube, and get famous. I think you can figure out what happens next.

As to the second question, my name is Jayson. And yes, it is spelt with a 'Y'. Dumb parents. Not that I even knew them.

And moving onto the third question, it was... hard to explain. I was surrounded by blueness, like the sky, but without clouds. And endless expanse of blue, just like my eyes. When I first got here, which could have been five minutes ago or five years ago, I wondered if that was related. Anyway, imagine it like this. You haven't – specifically – got emotions. You feel like you're just a shell. You can no longer affect anything around you, and nothing around you can affect you. It is both comforting and inordinately creepy.

Imagine you're no longer 3D. You don't exist in the third dimension, you don't exist in any dimension, even time. You have no worth, no importance. You feel incredibly small and pathetic.

Back to the present.

The blue is an endless expanse, and at first I think it's the sky. But there's no planet below, so I have no idea where I am. I know I'm dead, but surely neither heaven nor hell would be this boring?

Off in the distance I spotted in a vaguely cylindrical blob. It appeared to be – what, purple? Weird. As the shape grew larger my eyes widened. Was that... Mewtwo? No, it couldn't be, that was ridiculous, impossible, incredible and oh my Arceus it was oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god-

"Hello, mortal." Mewtwo said softly. It's voice was surprisingly normal, masculine and feminine at the same time. It seemed deep, yet light at the same time, which was, well, impossible. "You know I can read your thoughts."

This seemed to be both a question and a statement at the same time; In response I cowered in fright. I was an Arceist by birth (I believed Arceus was the one King God, that he commanded the other legendaries, that Mewtwo was merely a blasphemous creation of science, blah blah blah), but what if that was wrong? Oh gods, he could read my mind couldn't he? I am so going to die...

Mewtwo sighed. "Foolish mortals," he muttered. He cleared his throat and I instantly looked up. "I have come to tell you that your time on Earth is not up."

"Wait, what?!" I cried. Another sighed.

"You have not done things that you must do. As such, you will be reborn."

"No way!" I said. That might sound crazy, but you see... I was an orphan. I was shy, introverted, kinda selfish... my only friend was Kenny, and now that we're both dead... "Does Kenny get reborn as well?"

"No."

"Then no way in Hell am I going back!" I wanted to meet Kenny in Heaven, Arceusdammit!

"I'm sorry mortal, you sound as if you have a choice. You will be returned, however, as a Pokémon."

"Wha- but- I- Wha?"

Mewtwo sighed heavily. "Look, where do you want to be reborn?"

"Uhhh..."

"WHERE!?"

"C-Celadon!" I gulped in reply. It wasn't like I could do anything else. Being reborn? It sounded like a shitty deal, to be honest. I mean, what was I even going to do? How would I figure out my purpose? This was ridiculous. And I swear, if I got caught by one of those dumb Fishermen I was going to _kill _myself. And him. But him first.

"BEGONE!" Mewtwo boomed, practically bursting my inexistent eardrums. Then blue flashed, and everything went dark. The last thing I heard was the psychic god chuckling darkly.

-/-

My first experience was birth. Breaking through the fleshy exterior of my 'egg', I was greeted by hundreds upon hundreds – of Magikarp. Motherfucking Magikarp. Mewtwo was a fucking dick. I couldn't believe this. Those Pokémon were utterly useless! They learnt two attacks – Splash and Flail. Ridiculous. And I wouldn't even _learn _Flail! I was evolving into a Gyarados the second I reached level 20. With that I swam, goldfish mouth opening and closing in time with my heartbeat.

-/-

_1 year later_

It's been a year. I'm surprised I've survived this long – the amount of times I've fainted and not been eaten are too numerous to count. I don't actually know what level I am right now, but since I haven't learnt Tackle yet, I'm assuming I'm lower than level 15. I suppose I've kind of gotten over Mewtwo's choice to turn me into a Magikarp. After all, it's not like there's anything I can do about-

SHINY!

I swam quickly over to the shiny object, desperate to reach it before any other hungry predators reach it. It's rare to find good food around here without killing, which I'm uncomfortable with because the only things I can beat are other, weaker, Magikarp. I seize the shiny in my mouth- and promptly get jerked up to the surface.

Shit.

Being on the surface is really uncomfortable. I can still breathe, but it feels like I'm about to run out of breath. I look angrily up at the guy who landed me, and discover another fisherman.

Double shit.

He grins and begins to pull a Pokéball off of his belt. "Another Magikarp, eh? You'll go nicely with my collection..."

I attempt to spit on him, or possibly Splash back into the water. I feel all my hatred welling up inside me, fuelled by Mewtwo, and my Magikarp-ness, and this Arceusdamned Fisherman, and I let flow out of me.

WHOOSH!

A powerful blast of water explodes from my mouth and sends the Fisherman flying over me and back into the water. There are only two people nearby – A long-haired redhead woman and a blue-haired guy, along with their pet Meowth. They are gaping at me, amazed. I start flopping back towards the water, when suddenly the two people rush over to me and tear off their beach clothes, revealing black and white clothes with crimson 'R's' on the backs.

The redhead woman says something so quickly to her companion that I don't even hear it, then I am surprised by bright red light that fills my vision. Christ, I've just been caught...

-/-

When I am released, I find myself in a field, with the two Rocket grunts and a Meowth. Who, I discover, speaks English. I decide that I won't tell my captors about my previous humanity.

"So," the Meowth begins in a curious accent, "how'd ya do dat stunt wit da Hydro Pump?"

I had guessed that would be his first question. I am in a small pool of water so I don't flop weakly on the ground. "Well, it's nothing special. Both my parent's could do it."

The Meowth gives me a _no duh _look. "I figgered dat out, but Magikoip don't usually learn dat before evolvin'."

I attempted to shrug. Needless to say, it failed. Mewoth sighed. "The two numbnuts over dere are Jessie and James. Dey're not very clever, but, well, they're our trainers."

When Meowth gestured to them, the two bounced over, Jessie squealing with excitement and James less over-the-top, but still eager. Jessie picked me up and hugged me. "Oh, aren't you just a_dorable_!" She giggled, James went to stroke me, but Jessie pulled me away. When he went to try again, they started fighting. In the ruckus, I was thrown back into my pool.

"Well, anyway..." Meowth sweatdropped as the fight grew. "Welcome to the crew!"


End file.
